Like A Race Car

So it’s been a minute…

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It’s hard to keep up with a blog when you’re overseeing your renovation, when you’re packing up, when you’re moving…and when in the midst of it all, depression hits you like a baseball to the face. Do you ever think to yourself, “When ‘xyz’ happens…I’ll never feel depressed again”? Yeah, I think that a lot. I thought that about moving! I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that my depression can be kept at bay by a change in circumstances, a new job, new friends, new things… If only it worked that way. I was running myself ragged all of September, knowing the crash would come eventually, but hoping I could outrun it. Also, not how that works. Finally, at the end of September, right after we moved in- it hit, like a Category 5 hurricane wreaking havoc, leveling things and causing everything in my life to come to a grinding halt.

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It was within the last few days that things started to spiral, and in the midst of napping, drinking tea, and nursing myself back to life, it hit me- taking care of everyone else does NOT fill you up.

Do I feel fulfilled hosting parties, coaching clients and making my house a home? Yes, absolutely. I love it. But does it fill me up? No. So what’s the difference between feeling fulfilled, and being filled up?

Well, it’s like a luxury sports car. Its potential is realized and fulfilled when it’s going from 0-60 in 3 seconds, when it’s hugging the road through the curves, and making that satisfying roar as you shift gears. But running like that non-stop and what happens? Eventually problems arise. Maintenance has to be performed, gas needs to be put it (the premium special kind!) and it needs new tires. You cannot expect a car to continue operating at peak performance out of sheer willpower, and I cannot expect that of myself either.

So what’s a girl to do? I have to go in and do maintenance. I’m back on the medication and supplements my body needs to function properly, I’m sleeping when I need to, and I’m choosing joy as much as I can. I carve out spaces in my home that are visually pleasing to me, that spark joy. In part, so that when I’m at my lowest, I am surrounded by beauty. I put in the time, the creativity and design in my home and in my life, so that when I hit the low parts (again), I can put my feet up, bask in beauty and allow my spirit to recharge.

Looking forward to rebooting the blog, because we’ve missed you!

XOXO,

Ashley