So it’s been a minute…
It’s hard to keep up with a blog when you’re overseeing your renovation, when you’re packing up, when you’re moving…and when in the midst of it all, depression hits you like a baseball to the face. Do you ever think to yourself, “When ‘xyz’ happens…I’ll never feel depressed again”? Yeah, I think that a lot. I thought that about moving! I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that my depression can be kept at bay by a change in circumstances, a new job, new friends, new things… If only it worked that way. I was running myself ragged all of September, knowing the crash would come eventually, but hoping I could outrun it. Also, not how that works. Finally, at the end of September, right after we moved in- it hit, like a Category 5 hurricane wreaking havoc, leveling things and causing everything in my life to come to a grinding halt.
It was within the last few days that things started to spiral, and in the midst of napping, drinking tea, and nursing myself back to life, it hit me- taking care of everyone else does NOT fill you up.
Do I feel fulfilled hosting parties, coaching clients and making my house a home? Yes, absolutely. I love it. But does it fill me up? No. So what’s the difference between feeling fulfilled, and being filled up?
Well, it’s like a luxury sports car. Its potential is realized and fulfilled when it’s going from 0-60 in 3 seconds, when it’s hugging the road through the curves, and making that satisfying roar as you shift gears. But running like that non-stop and what happens? Eventually problems arise. Maintenance has to be performed, gas needs to be put it (the premium special kind!) and it needs new tires. You cannot expect a car to continue operating at peak performance out of sheer willpower, and I cannot expect that of myself either.
So what’s a girl to do? I have to go in and do maintenance. I’m back on the medication and supplements my body needs to function properly, I’m sleeping when I need to, and I’m choosing joy as much as I can. I carve out spaces in my home that are visually pleasing to me, that spark joy. In part, so that when I’m at my lowest, I am surrounded by beauty. I put in the time, the creativity and design in my home and in my life, so that when I hit the low parts (again), I can put my feet up, bask in beauty and allow my spirit to recharge.
Looking forward to rebooting the blog, because we’ve missed you!